Struggling in silence

Taking off that mask is hard. Showing up consistently and honestly is something that I have struggled with lately. How can I show up for my community when I don't love myself. When I physically don't like what I see looking back at me in the mirror each morning when I brush my teeth. 

Living behind this mask is so hard. It isn't that I don't like the person that I am, it is the physical that I do not like. I think as females we are extremely tough on ourselves. I have struggled in silence with severe eating and food issues for many years. I can't even count how many times my friends had to sit me down and talk to me and say Jess if you want the strawberries, it is ok. If you want to have one piece of candy, you will be ok. 

Food consumed me. The amount of calories consumed me. I stopped tracking my food intake. The pressure and the amount of calories seeing it total on my phone got to be too much. I am currently at the highest weight I have ever been. Nothing fits. I am super uncomfortable with how I look, but you know what, I am happy. 

How does that make sense? I am free from the pressure of the food. I am choosing to move my body daily for my health, I know what is best for me. I can't go back to that ugly place I once was in. 

So yes, showing up and feeling beautiful in clothes that I love is super hard for me. I love helping my customers find items that they are excited about. Helping them find those stunning pieces to wear to their life events. Secretly, I am struggling inside. Not being able to accept a compliment and also not feeling beautiful when I look back at myself in that mirror. 

Well the time has come to put myself on the pedestal. I can no longer fill from an empty cup. I can no longer struggle in silence and continue to show up. 

I rather have dimples and rolls on the outside than be an ugly person on the inside.